It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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