She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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