I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
