please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
