Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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