Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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