remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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