I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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