I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
