why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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