I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
