it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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