I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
