oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize