That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
