i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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