There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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