I smell stomach acid.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
