New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize