I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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