I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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