awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
