thus making me awesome and them whores
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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