Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
