apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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