she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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