Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can text with my tongue
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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