So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
