U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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