You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
