we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
