I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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