Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
