today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm always down for nudity.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
