have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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