This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
