I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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