I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
ok first of all what the fuck
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
