Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
