I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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