What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
