checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
