One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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