So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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