I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
