I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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