Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
