We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
