Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
