new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
