I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
