Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
