Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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