So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
