Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Operation Purity has been aborted
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
