I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
