Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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