OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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