I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
