Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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