I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
