Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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