Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We smell like vodka and hangover
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