i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
