Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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